Thursday, March 12, 2009

Blogging during lunch time (and no...not through office network.)

Well, I haven't blogged for quite some time (so you guys keep reminding me) and although I've tried to do so over the past month, I guess I stumbled onto a "writer's block", just ran out of things to say...

Well, my maternal grandmother passed away on 18th Feb am and was cremated on 22nd Feb. Recalling what transpired on the 18th when I received the news: I was having my annual check up at the clinic. The good news is that the results indicate that I'm in the pink of health, the bad news is.....well we know what the bad news is...

Words probably can't exactly describe how I felt when I received the sms. But let me try - I guess its all right to say that I was mostly stunned and then for a while the whole world suddenly felt a little different. Like I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I know it sounds a little dramatic but that was certainly how it felt to me. Honestly, I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness at that time, the first thing that popped in my head was the welfare for my mum and auntie (ee). Ee is very close to grandma...I'm close to Ee....go figure......

I guess I wasn't thinking so clear at that time.....I admit that for a split second, I did not feel like flying home. It isn't a matter about being heartless or emotionless, its more like.....I don't take death very well. But like I said, I wasn't thinking very clearly.

Well, thanks to my colleagues..who were really supportive and could tell that I was a little "ku-ku" by then, they managed to get me onto the first flight out of Taiwan. That meant I had 30 mins to leave the clinic, throw my luggage together and head for the airport. At the airport, my bro called me and told me that he was going to fly home from London. On hindsight, I think he made the right decision, I'm kinda proud of my kiddo you can tell, albeit all the idiotic things he says and does sometimes,....he is really a reliable sort of guy.

Ok, the funeral went by in a blur. It felt surreal, there were moments when you feel okay and then moments when you feel so sad. But we were all so busy and I guess that takes the pain away a little. In fact, I think reality only sorta sank in on the day when I flew back to Taipei.

Sitting on the plane and staring out in the blue blue sky, I recalled the times that I spent with grandma when I was young. We've always had communication breakdown due to language barrier. I don't speak our dialect too well and alot of communciation was via sign-language. But I remember that whenever I stayed at her place, she would make me breakfast before school. The memories feel like they were from yesterday and sometimes I can still hear her voice in my head nagging at me. She's always been naggy....its almost like a family joke....but definitely yah, to me, she was the naggy grandma who would always be there.

I guess the reason why I'm blogging this now is perhaps I finally feel it is okay to talk about it. I guess there will be one thing that will always bug me and that's because I feel like such a failure sometimes that I never managed to pick up the dialect. Having only one surviving grandparent sorta makes it feel like no matter what I do now is already too late...but in a way...its not too late too right?

Anyway you know what...I'm just going to have to try much harder. As Winston Churchill says:" Never give up!"