Imperfection...............

People have told me that I'm a perfectionist when it comes to certain thing. (It certainly doesn't apply to ironing my clothes or doing the laundry....) But it does apply to the way I work. I am not proud to say that I succeed 80% to 90% of the time driving both myself and my colleagues up the wall. I've had countless close friends/colleagues tell me very similar things:

Concerned Friend: Hey, you know what your problem is.....you need to learn how to chill......
Me *flustered face*: But but...how can they do such a thing...its crap!
Concerned Friend: Still?! Calm down and just chill
Me: Okay fine fine fine. Its my fault, I should have done xxx and yyy and if I didn't do this and he didn't do that, it won't become like this...... Or maybe if I had done zzz or aaa then.....
Concerned Friend: Stop beating yourself up and stop expecting others to live up to your expectation. The world doesn't work that way......
Me: @#!$@#$ It shouldn't be this way.......

As you can see, I'm a hopeless case. I know I shouldn't ...I shouldn't... I shouldn't...but I do. But I shouldn't. :P

I try to make myself meet a certain expectation of ....myself and yes....I admit it, I have an expectation on others too. (horrors! but definitely better now than before HORRR) I used to get very very disappointed when people don't meet my expectation at work and I show it on my face. I still do that sometimes..old habits die hard..Uey, if I don't meet my own expectation, you can be pretty sure that I'll beat myself up Days and Days over and over again.

My ex boss once told me:" Jamie, you are too hard on yourself. You must learn how to relax". My current boss says: High sense of ownership...:) Keep it up.

**But this week, he started to tell me to relax......and take the day off.

I have been known to destroy something/anything because there is a blemish. A friendship, a relationship, .........., because it doesn't meet my idea of perfect, complete whole....so I strive and strive to meet that goal of perfect, being everywhere and doing everything.

When I say I want to do well, u know that I'm aiming for 100/100 for certain things...i get very sore if I don't do it. In the past, I preferred to fail a paper by not turning up instead of doing the paper at all....if I didn't study. Compulsive....I KNOWWWW *hides face*

Today, K.Ling told me that the first impression she had after she read an article about someone from HP dying due to overwork or excessive stress, the first person she thought about was me. :(

Hey...why do you have that perception of me....wait, let me correct myself, I think many people DO think that way of me....I better chill .....

Perfection...................Imperfection.................Perfection...............